So it turns out...

***Just publishing some drafts I never did, this one is classic Scarlett. From November 2012.***


So it turns out, Scarlett is a Republican.

A few months ago she said to me


And she was pissed when she woke up Wednesday morning.
Around 6:35 she comes marching into my room-

Scarlett: The computer just said that Obama is still President!
Me: Yup, he is. It's early go downstairs and play.

[Twenty minutes later I walk downstairs and she is stomping around angrily]

Me: Scarlett! What is wrong with you? Why are you mad?

[breathing frustratedly and gesturing with her hands]
Scarlett:  I just thought it was time for a new President.

How to annoy people and alienate customers.

Over a year ago when I seriously started thinking about going back to school I looked into the University of Phoenix. The first thing that annoyed me was the way I couldn't get any detailed information about cost or classes on their website. First you enter your name/e-mail/phone number, then the University of Phoenix will contact you and grant you such basic privileged information. Maybe "my generation" is showing, but that is such an annoying business practice. I don't care if it is tuition cost or an auto insurance quote- I'm doing this online because I don't want to talk to humans first. Give me the information I need, I will then make an informed decision based on my needs, if needed I will contact you with questions or things in need of clarification. But to hold simple information hostage so you can call and give me a sales pitch is just annoying.

But apparently the University of Phoenix does not care about being annoying, I believe it may in fact be part of their business model. How do I know this? Because they have been calling me three times a week for over a year. After my initial phone call with a University of Phoenix rep I thought "That is waaayyy too expensive for an online degree" and I went elsewhere. Obviously the University of Phoenix did not know this, but I figured if I blew them off for a week or two they would stop calling. They did not. They increased their weekly calls and added e-mails into the mix (why did I use my real e-mail address!?!) Now all of this could have been avoided had I simply picked up the phone at any point in time and said "I am not interested" but I am not good at that. I mean, I routinely tell elaborate lies to door-to-door sales people about why I cannot/do not need their product, instead of merely saying "no thanks."

After so long I figured it would be OBVIOUS to the Phoenix's that I was ignoring them. But two-weeks turned into two-months, then six months, now well over a year with no end in sight. There was one time in July I answered and said "Hola!" hoping they would think somebody else (somebody who spoke Spanish!!!) had my number now and would stop. But it didn't. The relentless calling continues and now I refuse to answer out of principal. How can they be so dumb? Do they think after a year I'm going to actually pick up? Or call them back and be interested? Maybe the reason the tuition was so expensive is because they have to pay people to keep calling people like me day in and day out? Who knows.

But one thing is for sure, I am no Phoenix.

The Jong's have it going on.

So now I'm kind of scared to move to Seattle, thanks a lot North Korea.
I've spent the morning boning up (do you hate that I just used that phrase?) on my North Korean current events.The more articles I read the more scared I get. But all hope is not lost friends! Because on the other hand, the more images of Kim Jong Un I come across the more I realize things will be okay.

I'm no CIA agent but my careful analysis of Kim Jong Un's fashion sense indicates that he has evolved to a very mid-nineties sensibility. Obviously we will start with his hairstyle- some may describe it as an "artsy Hitler", but I think a more accurate description would be a "grown-up homage to the boys of the 90's sitcom Home Improvement" (see here, here, and here.) Jong Un is trying to be the new JTT!!!!

I mean obviously, his impeccable style was inherited from his father, but his love for mid-nineties pop culture goes even further than the "extreme JTT." Last month Jong Un partied with none other than 90's sensation Dennis Rodman! Dennis Rodman y'all!?! I wonder if Dennis Rodman has worn a wedding dress or married Carmen Electra yet in the North Korean time warp?

Now I'm not normally one to meddle in international matters, but I do have a somewhat controversial approach to solving our North Korea problem. If Jong Un is just now discovering the awesome likes of Dennis Rodman and Home Improvement we have a basic estimate of where he lies in the time-warp. I mean think of it this way- do you think North Korea has the blue M&M yet? Have they repackaged the Laffy Taffy yet? What about Gushers fruit snacks? Jong Un's head will probably explode with joy when he tries one of those sweet little guys. Imagine what kind of devastation could be averted if we simply unleashed the powers of pop culture on them instead? We could release Backstreet Boys and N'SYNC at the SAME TIME!!! We could deliver crates of Old Navy cargo pants and performance fleece vests. I propose every man, woman and child in North Korea gets a Razor scooter and a Baha Men CD. If we used the forces of pop culture for good imagine what would happen? Jong Un and the North Korean army would be so busy gettin' jiggy wit it and eating stuffed crust pizzas to attack us, South Korea or anyone else.

Disaster averted. (You're welcome.)